You will either understand and empathize with me or think I am a complete nut job after reading this post.
I must be a glutton for self punishment and pressure. I am constantly holding myself to a standard that only June Cleaver could attain. Why? I really have no idea. Sometimes I think it is due to the fact that I stay home. I feel that because I stopped working, my sole job is to make sure everything runs smoothly in our home. But then I remember back to when I was working and I pretty much held my self to the same standard. I was the mom who tried to work a full-time job (actually when you are a teacher it is more than full time) but maintain everything like a stay-at-home mom. Why do I do this to myself?
My husband would agree with that question. He is constantly telling me to relax, that no one else is concerned with the details like I am. He is right. But I still can't help but freak out at all the small things.
We have had quite a difficult two years. Recently, our son's diagnosis of ADHD with anxiety was changed to Aspergers. I am trying to deal with this new title and remind myself that it doesn't change who he is but that is not an easy task. I plan to write a more in depth post on the diagnosis change soon.
Sometimes I think that is why I fret over every little detail. When things go well, it makes me feel like I am doing my job. It makes me feel like I can give myself a pat on the back, a high five, or stamp of approval. When everything else in life feels like it is going crazy, a well planned birthday party, successful new recipe, or a great project makes me feel better about the things that aren't so great. It helps push me along to the next day.
When you have a child who struggles it is very easy to constantly punish yourself. You look at other families and things seem so easy. I am sure they aren't, but they appear that way. I often get the compliment that I am such a strong person and that I always have it together. That is SO far from the truth. There are definitely people in my life that expect panicked phone calls from me...on a weekly basis. :)
I have got to learn to let go. It is something I am constantly telling my son.... go with the flow, just enjoy life, chill... It upsets me when I see those qualities in him because those are the same qualities that I posses and they cause me so much stress and grief. I don't want him to have that type of stress.
So how does an overly anxious, possible perfectionist, and moderately obsessive person learn to go with the flow? I research that question often. But maybe that is part of the problem... Instead of letting my hair down, I am frantically researching how to not be so frantic!
I think it may just be easier to go bake something or start a new project. :)
If you have it figured out, let me know.