Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Excuse Me God...I Need a Little Direction Here

For months, maybe even close to a year, I have had the desire to "do more."  Yet, I can't seem to figure out what "more" is.  Is it helping in a particular group of people?  Is it volunteering more at church?  Is it sponsoring children through wonderful organizations such as World Vision?

These are things I have either done in the past or love doing in my current life.  But what is the "more" feeling I keep getting?  Why can't I figure it out?

I have prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and...oh you get the point.  The idea of doing something more is sticky, I can't seem to shake it off.  Some days the feeling is very strong and overwhelmingly emotional.  I can't seem to focus on anything else.  For example, just the other week, I cried to my husband because it hurts so much to know there are millions of children in horrible situations.  I felt completely ridiculous crying like a baby.  He was more than supportive and listened to each choked up word and snotty sob.  He didn't laugh or act as though I was crazy, even though I felt like a couple lunatic.  In fact, he seemed very concerned that we try to figure out what this "more" really means.  Other days, the feelings subside and I try to rationalize everything and convince myself that I am already doing enough; whatever "enough" may be.  However, the overwhelming, sticky feelings always come back.  I have even tried to flat out ignore them.  Nope, back they come, every. single. time.

I have researched many different non-profits online.  Maybe I should start a non-profit...  I have a strong urge to help children.  But how?  Should I provide shoes, clothes, educational supplies?  The lists of needs are endless.  The amount of charities are confusing and how do you know you are really helping a reputable cause?

I don't feel guilty for what my husband and I have.  We have worked hard and we try to be good stewards of the God's blessings.  However, it physically hurts my heart to think of other children who don't have the same opportunities as our children.

I don't want to spend my life trying to figure out what "more" means.  I don't want to keep my hands clean by tithing and volunteering at church.  Those are both areas we find important but it just doesn't feel like enough.  I want to get my hands dirty.  I want to reach those at the bottom.  After all, was Jesus more concerned about those at the bottom or the top?  That answer is so simple, it is the answer of what "more" means that I can't seem to figure out.

Basically, I am babbling and you are reading and listening.  I do apologize, you will never get these five minutes of your life back.  I have wanted to write this post for so long.  However, since I still don't have the "more" figured out I didn't think writing the post would really make much sense.  So, if you are still reading, thank you dear friend.  Thank you for listening to my rant.  I love you even more for that.

If I figure it out, you will surely know. :)

Almost in tears, yet again...  Is it possible to be pre-menapausal at age 35?  I am just so darn emotional these days.  Ugh...



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