Unfortunately in my perfectionist ways, I measure my worth by, well…. perfectionist standards. These standards are not set by anyone other than myself. To most, these standards would seem ridiculous and absurd. I have heard many times from my husband, mother, family and friends that I place way too much pressure and guilt on myself. I have argued that this isn't the case but I know in my heart it most certainly is. I see this same quality in my oldest son. It kills me to watch him beat himself up emotionally because a task he is trying to complete does not seem perfect.
I was hanging up clothes in my daughter's closet this afternoon after a very hard morning. We had one of "those"mornings which trickled into one of "those" afternoons which led to extreme mommy guilt followed by lots of self doubt and on and on. As I was hanging up the clothes, I began to pray asking why I can't seem to figure this out. Then this statement popped into my head, "You are measuring your worth on a "good day" or a "bad day". Hmmmm, I would agree with that statement 100%.
This is what a good day looks like in my mind:
- house is clean (relatively speaking)
- homeschool and daily lessons go extremely well without any hiccups
- laundry is finished
- I feel happy and content with my role as Mom
This is what a bad day looks like in my mind:
- house is a mess
- homeschool and daily lessons maybe don't go well - kids meltdown, I meltdown
- laundry is creeping out of the laundry room
- I feel I did not do my best with my role as Mom
Look, I know these lists are ridiculous. I know they are not realistic but this is how my mind works. It is something I fight every day. I have always been the type that when given a task if I put in 100% then I should get my expected results. Unfortunately, this mindset does not go along with motherhood - AT. ALL.
Now here is the light bulb moment of my day. The women's Life Group that I belong to just finished our study of Esther (Beth Moore). It was such a great study - long but oh so good! There were countless moments throughout the study that I felt like I had those light bulb moments. When I got home after the session, my husband had to leave right away to run back down to the market. He was only going to be gone for a short time so I decided to go upstairs and right in my prayer journal. The kids were already asleep so this was free quiet time. While I was thanking God for many things, especially his patience with me, my thoughts turned into this sentence.
My worth is not in a good day or a bad day, my worth is in You.
There it is, the simple truth. It seems so easy…
Now that I feel like God helped me to realize this truth, I hope I drill it into my perfectionistic mentality. I hope I can remember when the dishes are piling up, the laundry seems a mile high, and when our school day is rough and bumpy, my worth is only in Him.
I am so thankful I took the time to write this in my journal. I hope I can remember to reference it often. I hope and pray I can find peace in this truth.
This post may seem annoying or worthy of an eye-roll to some. But for me it feels more like a piece of freedom. I am also aware that some will wonder why I would ever post something like this. That part is easy, because I know there are other moms, wives, and women that hold themselves to the same standards. I know that it makes me feel a little better when others are open and honest. I am just trying to do the same.
Deep in my heart I know I am a good mom. I know that God placed my children in my care for a specific reason. But in the every day life sometimes I fall victim to measuring my worth by a good day or a bad day. Hopefully from today forward, I will try remember my worth is only in Him.