Wednesday, July 27, 2016

My Not So Graceful or Relaxing Yoga Session

The ONLY reason I am writing this is in hopes that there is another mother out there with similar workout obstacles.  I have six workout obstacles.  Three are human and have a sixth sense for when I sneak upstairs to try and workout.  All of a sudden everyone needs something, needs to argue, or feels the need to come watch and critique me.  The other three are of the four legged breed.  Like their human siblings, they too, have a sixth sense about my attempt to workout.  I cannot get close to the floor without being licked or slobbered on.

Prior to our homeschooling adventure, my life revolved around dance.  I grew up dancing, majored in Dance, and taught Dance for 10 years.  I never had to worry about being out of shape or losing flexibility.  Teaching six classes (8 hours) of dance per day pretty much keeps you toned and limber.  However, over the last four years, I have indulged in cooking, baking, and all things Pioneer Woman.  I have neglected working out, stretching, etc.  From time to time, I try to "run" or walk/run, or maybe just walk (lets be honest) but life gets in the way and it is the lowest of low on my priority list. 

I recently saw a beautiful picture of one of my college friends and realized that even though we are the same age her body looked a-mazing.  I sent her a message and asked what she was doing to look that great.  She gave credit to yoga.  I thought NOOOOO - not yoga - I hate yoga!!!  Seriously, every time I have tried (like twice), I felt as though I would get stuck in those positions...and that was when I was in shape! But I gave in and decided to give it a try.

I have tried it a couple of times over the last week in the privacy of my own home.  But remember, my house is anything but private.  As soon as I think the kids are preoccupied so I can sneak upstairs everyone (all six) follow me.  I try to ignore and be a good sport.  I beg and plea for them to go play.  I shut my door but that always makes me nervous so I re-open the door.  The boys are often being super loud and my daughter (bless her heart) is at my side doing each pose with ease and grace.  She is six! This is not good for my self esteem.  Not to mention, I am afraid of falling on her and squashing her precious little self.  I don't exactly feel light and dainty during these little episodes.  And I NEVER get the same relaxed look or feeling about myself as the woman on the video on a beach in the Bahamas.  Ugh!  She is breathing deeply and peacefully.  I sound like a cow in labor.  Not to mention, her eyes are closed.  Are you kidding me?!  I do not close my eyes EVER when my kids are awake.  That is just plain asking for it!  This woman on the video is not allowed to be my friend.

So this afternoon, as I was attempting this thing called, yoga, I was joined by three kids and only two dogs.  As the kids were "gently" giving their feedback, I went into a plank position.  The very limber lady on the video (have I mentioned I don't like her), told me to move into downward dog and then lift my left leg into the air.  You can only imagine the fire hydrant comments from my boys.  This move I completed with ease and the kids were actually impressed.  It was after that when everything went down hill.  From there I was told to move into a plank while my leg was still lifted.  Once I reached the plank position I was to bring my left leg into a passe (my dance terms) position.  This would probably look like a mountain climber on pause.  Actually I was surprised that I still had a bit of abdominal strength.  But then... she told me to rotate the leg to a turned out position.  It was at this moment that I realized I have zero oblique strength and Dixie our Great Dance goosed me in a rather personal zone.  I don't know who was more surprise, the kids or me.  Everyone broke into complete hysteria and lets face it, you really can't recover from that.  I mean a Chihuahua maybe but not a dog that weighs more than your children or gives hugs by putting her paws on your shoulders.

From here, two of the kids decided to join in while my oldest removed Dixie from the room.  We continued the workout but at the end as my youngest son lowered himself from downward dog, he also released a ton of...shall we say...built up pressure.  I don't know about your house but we try to take those sounds and functions seriously and in a stoic manner but honestly all refinement goes right out the window.  He finished in criss-cross applesauce and brought his hands to a prayer and said..."Awwww, inner peace..." 

Yep, it was the most relaxing yoga session.  NOT

What I have realized is that my kids don't remember me as a dance teacher.  They have no idea that in my mind I know what I am doing even though my body doesn't paint the same picture.  I have also realized that yoga is much harder when you are trying to keep everything tucked in and held up.  And most importantly we have all learned that my youngest son should NEVER hold downward dog and the Great Dane must stay outside if anyone is bending over in any fashion...  Sorry, but it only takes once to learn that lesson!

So, I may attempt yoga again today or I may make brownies.  These things I know to be true:  I have never gotten stuck making brownies.  My kids do not critique me when I make brownies.  I do not shake violently when making brownies.  I do not get goosed by my dog when I make brownies.  But making brownies is why I have to do the yoga in the first place.  It is a vicious cycle, I tell ya!




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